my bloody valentine

THE FLICK: Some might call “My Bloody Valentine” a hopelessly inept Canadian slasher movie – heck, the government even funded production as they did on David Cronenberg’s early exploitation shockers. But are Canadian’s really so different from the rest of us? So their “teenagers” in jeopardy are middle-aged coal miners with accents thicker than a slab of backbacon. Do they not bleed when gutted by a pickaxe? Do they not scream when thrown down a mineshaft or trapped in a dryer on high heat? Of course, they do. They just sound funny doing it. And that’s what makes “Valentine” so darn enjoyable – it’s an earnest slasher clone made at a time when audiences still took this stuff seriously, so well-versed in the serial killer rules it could have served as the guidebook for takeoffs like “Scream” and “Scary Movie.” Valentine Bluffs (wink, wink) is a quiet Canadian dump of a town getting ready to throw its first Valentine’s Day dance in over 20 years. But a madmen dressed up in a miner’s outfit (gas mask, pick-axe, flashlight helmet, the whole bit) is taking out the general population one by one, sending authorities candy boxes filled with human hearts with threatening third grade poetry like, “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’d cancel the dance if I were you!” Quicker than you can drink a six pack of Moosehead, the dance is off. But some crazy kids decide to throw a party down in the mine – easy pickings for a serial killer with time on his hands and a light on his helmet. On the surface, “My Bloody Valentine” is derivative dreck that doesn’t even showcase the gore most genre pictures of its kind love to linger on for as many frames as the MPAA will allow. But there’s a certain charm – naivete, if you will – to the film, starting with its working-class urban legend about a ghostly miner (told in the film with mucho gusto by a foul mouthed bartender) bent on revenge at 5000 feet below ground. And some moments – particularly when our killer is KO-ing a string of lights – take great advantage of the claustrophobic atmosphere. Plus, it had a band named after it. I’m not kidding, I have a couple of their CD’s. THE FEATURES: A trailer. What, you were expecting commentary from noted film historians? It’s a slasher film, for Christ’s sake! FINAL SCORE: You can enjoy “My Bloody Valentine” one of two ways: 1) As an MST3K-style opportunity to rip on Canada and everything it stands for, or 2) A reasonably funny, reasonably scary sub-movie in the slasher genre. It’s a good time either way, guaranteed.