10000 bc

THE FLICK: “Hi, my name is Greg and I’m a Roland Emmerich apologist.” While it might not have the same stigma as alcoholism or sex addiction, said confession can still be downright embarrassing in social situations. Sure, anyone can champion Independence Day or Stargate as “guilty pleasures. But imagine trying to defend Godzilla or The Day After Tomorrow at a crowded table. Before you know it, forks are dropping, throats are cleared and a pitiable hush falls across the room. Trust me, I’ve been there...I know. Yet I stand by my defense of Emmerich and his particular brand of oversize filmmaking. No idea is too grandiose, no explosion to big, no catastrophe too far-fetched to attract his interest. So 10,000 B.C. would seem to be the next logical step in his oeuvre: a sprawling prehistoric adventure flick populated with wooly mammoths, saber-toothed tigers and warring cave-tribes fighting for the future of civilization. It’s a beautiful pitch on paper. But could the king of cinematic bling pull it off? The short answer is “No.” Other responses might include “Ugggh,” “Zzzzz,” or “What the hell were they thinking!” I’ll be the first to admit the movie makes one kick-ass trailer. But in its entirety, Emmerich (who co-wrote) misses the mark so wildly you’d barely recognize him as the same filmmaker. Sure there were moments of poor CGI in his previous efforts (that cartoon wolf pack in Tomorrow) and poorly paced romantic subplots that went nowhere (that poofy-haired love interest in Godzilla). But never before had so many of Emmerich’s weak points conspired to appear in the same film. It’s a bit tragic, really, since 10,000 B.C. had a number of models to follow, any one of which is infinitely better. There are the stop-motion dinosaur classics of Ray Harryhausen...not to mention Raquel Welch’s fur bikini. Jean Jacques Annaud’s artsy Quest for Fire. Hell, even Ringo Starr’s Caveman had more going for it. But Emmerich instead copies the structure of Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto so closely is borders in copyright infringement: raiders make off with the true love of our hero, D’Leh (Steven Strait) who treks across the primordial landscape to rescue her. Many critics were quick to point out the film’s historical inaccuracies, none of which would have mattered if the film had stuck to the thrill-a-minute pace of the opening mammoth scene, one of the movie’s few true highlights. 10,000 B.C. is too slow for a summer movie, too dim-witted to be educational and too pretentious to be anything other than a glorious failure for a filmmaker who has dodged more than his fair share of bullets. THE FEATURES: At least you can console yourself with an impeccable audio / visual experience courtesy of Warner’s Blu-ray transfer. I picked out details here that I missed in the theater...of course, I was dozing through most of it the first time around. Not to mention the addition of some hi-def exclusive extras: A Wild and Wooly Ride breaks down the effects work used to create the film’s prehistoric wildlife while Inspiring an Epic focuses on Emmerich’s adopted theory that an advanced civilization existed during the Stone Age. Shared between both the standard-def and hi-def versions are a grouping of deleted scenes and an alternate ending made up mostly of unfinished effects work.