8 heads in a duffel bag

In 1973's Theater of Blood Vincent Price plays a hammy Shakespearean actor who silences his critics in the most violent and permanent way possible. Despite his rather extreme methods, the argument is sound: who are they to criticize all the blood, sweat and tears spent creating something from nothing? Which brings us to 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag (1997), writer / director Tom Schulman's monumentally unfunny comedy starring Joe Pesci as a mafia deliveryman who mistakenly swaps luggage with an innocent med school student. Here is a film so misguided not a single joke lands in 90 minutes, despite Herculean efforts from a grab-bag cast. Schulman might get an "A" for effort, but the rest of his film is flat-out rotten.

Toting the physical "evidence" of a recent mafia hit to his boss on the West Coast, Tommy (Pesci) hops on a plane out of New Jersey and winds up sitting next to Charlie (Andy Comeau), a nervous grad student headed to Mexico to meet his girlfriend's parents (George Hamilton & Dyan Cannon). But after a mix-up in baggage claim, Charlie gets a big surprise when he unpacks at the hotel...while Tommy winds up with a duffel bag full of socks and sweaters instead of the expected craniums.

Desperate to make a good impression, Charlie keeps his discovery a secret from his future in-laws and the hotel staff. But one inconvenient mishap after another has him scrambling to find excuses - and a missing head or two - while searching for a suitable place to dispose of his dirty laundry. Meanwhile Tommy has tracked down Charlie's college buddies (David Spade and Todd Louiso) and tortures them (comically, of course) to find out his whereabouts. Eventually, everyone meets up down in Mexico to sort out their differences...and hunt down a few replacement heads in the process.

Schulman, who would never direct again, had a hell of a year in 1989; his script for Honey, I Shrunk the Kids was a critical and commercial success, while Dead Poet's Society earned him an Academy Award for Best Screenplay. But his straight-up comedies (Second Sight, What About Bob?, Holy Man) are another story entirely. And 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag is a category of bad all by itself.

With a frantic pace lifted from the comic misunderstandings of Noises Off, Schulman's theory seems to be the louder performance the funnier the punchline. But he saddles his cast (particularly poor lead actor Andy Comeau, who looks like he won the part in a online contest) with endless exits and entrances as he shuffles uncomfortable situations like clumsy blackjack dealer.

All one can say is, thank God for Joe Pesci.

Without him - and the fraternity scenes with Spade and Louiso - 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag would be one step removed from community theater. Whether he's smashing phones or snapping people with a wet towel, Pesci gives his character a set of ground rules that allow him to walk through the film unscathed. Of course, he's just playing a less psychotic version of Tommy from Goodfellas, but that's the one conceit of Schulman's film that actually works.

Contrary to popular opinion, it's not much fun to write a bad review. And it's even less fun to dissect a film you didn't enjoy. So why the long write-up? Twilight Time's 3000-copy limited edition Blu-ray is bound to make longtime fans (there has to be a couple) happy and they deserve to know it's out there. Extras are limited to a trailer, isolated music track and liner notes, but the film itself looks terrific.